The Preschool Apology

I had a bad Monday last week.  My preschooler had turned around in the school parking lot and whomped the boy behind us.  The boy was very upset and his father who was walking with him was horrified.  I didn’t see it, wasn’t sure it was even my kid who did it, and really had just wanted to get him in the car without him hitting me.  Pick-up time is right after naptime and my son’s behavior is very unpredictable.  He’s also much larger for his age and when he thrashes, he hurts.

What happened next shocked me more.  The boy’s father insisted that my son apologize.  I had expected a unanimous “We don’t hit under any circumstances” from both of us but instead I was fighting off a clinging child, struggling to get him in the car, processing what to say next to diffuse the situation, and getting defensive with the father.   It was most unsettling and I couldn’t think straight.  There was no way my son was going to apologize.  He was already so upset that all he could do was cling to my leg.  At least he knew he did something wrong.  Surely the boy’s father could accept that.  Haven’t we all as parents been in this situation?

Forcing an apology from a child doesn’t work.  A three year old doesn’t have the cognitive development to understand its meaning and can’t be expected to remember to say it again the next time.  At best it adds more stress to the situation and most important doesn’t do anything to change the behavior. 

To grasp the magnitude of a sincere apology is in some cases a life’s work.  There are several levels to consider:  the act itself that caused the problem, understanding how it made the other person feel, saying the words to the apology out loud, and asking for forgiveness.  I think that’s pretty hard!

I suppose had it been earlier in the day, at a preschooler’s prime hours between 9am and 12noon, my son would have been more receptive to considering the other child’s feelings.  But that’s about as far in the process of giving a sincere apology that I can see for him. In his egocentric world, he is still mastering his emotions, nevermind those of others. 

After giving the parking lot situation more thought, it’s not my son that should be in the spotlight.  I’m the one who should be apologizing for not having a better grasp of my son’s behavior.  We’re still very deep into uncovering why my son gets so aggressive.  I feel terrible that he hit someone and I’m to blame for not realizing the depth of his problem.  As his parent I am working to make sure it doesn’t happen again and I hope that the boy’s father can empathize with our challenge.  Crisis is opportunity and I can thank him for bringing this issue to light.  And that’s sincere.