1. Ignore It and It Will Go Away
As a rule I don't like to get involved in the boys playing together. I prefer to have them work things out on their own. Until it gets harmful. Which it's pretty close to being.
2. Fear of God
No, not sending them to Sunday School, although that’s not a bad idea. This is when I have my husband step in and use his loud deep man voice to let them know we're watching and it's not acceptable. This also can scare the neighbors into being better behaved.
3. Kinder, More Gentler Approach
"Secondo, tell Primo that you don't like it when he hits you and that it hurts." As if. I've even tried to put all the attention on Secondo so that Primo won't reap any benefit from his actions.
4. Old School
Sending Primo up to his room for the afternoon and threatening to cancel the dinner party we were supposed to go to that night. Since I would have to carry him up there and there's no way I'm missing dinner at my friend's house, this is a lame threat.
5. Attachment Parenting
Having a heart to heart with Primo on what's bothering him and is there anything going on that we don't know about. This is most effective when the child in question is willing to talk.
6. Paranoid Parenting
Is he watching too much James Bond? What games is he playing on the computer? Well, it turns out he has been playing some pretty aggressive games so I cranked up the parental controls and put a timer on the TV and at least now the Screen Time problem has been addressed.
7. Denial
“He hit you? Are you sure? I didn't see anything. It's going to be all right, get back out there and play. And stop ratting on your brother.” Poor Secondo.
8. Tiger Mom
“Get in your room and study.” Or, “What are you doing outside? Get back in there and practice the piano.” I can’t yell enough to make Primo obey.
9. Unschooler
Let Primo deal with the natural consequences. There’s no doubt in my mind that one of these days Secondo is going to wind up and pop him a good one. Until then, I’ll keep a check on the little guy and try giving big brother more love and affection. I should add that this is my interpretation of how an Unschooler would handle disciplinary action and not in any way sanctioned by the Unschoolers.
10. Time Out
Doesn’t work. Unless it’s for me the parent. I love time outs. Take me away!
It’s not that I use an official list of ways to solve a problem. First there are the programmed reactions from my childhood, which never quite go away. Then after some thought I move into a more modern approach. Depending on my mood and sleep-deprivation level it could be any one of the above or a combination. After reading through list now, in hindsight, I like the Unschooler approach. The only way Primo is going to learn is from the consequences of his actions and it’s not really something I can control. I can explain, beg, bribe, threaten, punish, and yell at him to no end but I can’t make him listen. I can however provide him with good examples, love, support, and encouragement. And maybe I’m not always doing that. Crisis is opportunity! Primo’s hitting, as awful as it is, is perhaps just another way for him, the child, to keep me as his parent in check.
Here's what happened: On Monday they went back to school and it was a decent week of behavior. Of which I had nothing to do with. The next weekend I spent time with each boy separately and they got along better. And then, on a really crazy whim, I bought them each a foam pellet blaster gun and they had a field day. First there was the element of surprise: “Mom bought us guns?” Believe me, I even surprised myself. Primo complained that it wasn't a name brand but admitted he liked it anyway. Let’s face it, boys like guns and perhaps this was a more structured, safer way to work out the week’s frustrations and the weekend high energy level. And no one lost an eye. My husband asked why I didn’t get him one too.
For more on boys and guns, go to: My Boys Like Shootouts. What's Wrong With That? by Jonathon Turley for the The Washington Post.
