The Language of Love

In my eternal quest for how to be a better parent I came across this book last week, The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman.   What an eye-opener!  I was researching ways to get my sons to buy into a chart we’re working on.  We’ve had some issues with random hitting that you may recall from my last blog and a behavior modification chart was suggested.  First I read about the effectiveness of charting your goals, then I learned the best way to go about it.  And then I discovered that not everyone wants the same thing.  So obvious, but apparently I’m not the only one who didn’t realize this since the book is a New York Times #1 bestseller.

Here’s what it says about the “love language,” or primary way of expressing and interpreting love, for children:

Gifts - Kids whose primary love language is gifts like to receive presents. These presents don’t have to be expensive or big. But these are kids who will be excited to receive a trip to a “goody bucket,” a coloring book that you bring back from the supermarket, a book, a bookmark, even a note from you in their lunchbox.

Words of affirmation - If this is your child’s primary love language, he feels most loved and appreciated when he hears you say nice things about him. Things like, “I’m proud of you,” “I love you,” “I’m glad to see you,” or “You did a great job.” To these children, the positive (and negative) things you say to them are extremely meaningful.

Quality time - Kids whose primary love language is quality time really value spending time with you, even if you’re doing seemingly mundane or boring activities. These kids will like being in the kitchen with you while you’re cooking, they’ll like it when you come to their soccer games, watch a TV show together, make cookies together, or read a book with them.

Acts of service - Kids with this primary love language really appreciate the little things you do for them. They feel cared for and loved when you help them complete tasks, like bringing them a glass of water, helping them with their homework, brushing their hair, or tying their shoe when they ask for help with it.

Physical touch - If physical touch is your child’s primary love language, she’ll feel loved and appreciated when you make physical contact with her. This contact could be in the form of a high five, a pat on the back or head, a hug, a snuggle, a kiss, or playful wrestling.

So the rewards for my two boys upon successful completion of their chart are not the same.  The older boy likes gifts and the younger one likes quality time with mom.  (At least for now, so I should relish every moment.)  I still have to accept that just because they’re brothers doesn’t mean they are alike.  Which they prove every day.  

Naturally I had to take the test for me and my husband too.  The results were interesting!  I’ve had 3 job interviews where I had to take a personality test.  All 3 times I never got to hear the results.  Until now I never would have thought that I preferred verbal praise.  I turn red when complemented and will do anything to change the subject.  My husband’s results were also different than I had expected.  Good to know!  The author also notes that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own.  No surprise there - at first you’re attracted to the differences and then later you want to kill them for it.  I’m sure I have a book somewhere in the house about that.