Not the SAHM I Think I Am

I've been home from working full time for almost 2 months now which I suppose makes me a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) and I'm proud to say that my house isn't any cleaner than it was before. I've only vacuumed once and the playroom is not in alphabetical order, which was my first intended nesting project and also my biggest fear. And I had this crazy notion of organizing the basement but that's not going to happen anytime soon. Not unless I need to find something to sell so I can afford this "carefree" lifestyle.

I tried economizing at the grocery store and I've managed to spend a little less on the only controllable weekly expense we have, but I had planned for better. I can give up not going out to dinner, not getting my hair done, not buying anything for anyone ever, but I can't sacrifice on the quality of our food. I'm keeping the organic products and serve more beans and less fat. Fat is actually expensive. Things like cheese, red meat, and prepackaged snacks are all now luxury items in our home. "That's what friends houses are for," I told my 7 year old son.

Ironically now that  I have the time to do more with the boys I don't have any money to pay for it. My vision of the oldest taking music lessons or other after school activities is not going to happen just yet. And I'm losing sleep over how to pay for skiing this winter. I'll find a way to make it all happen but thank goodness for hand-me-downs and lost & found departments.

Did I mention we're remodeling the house? I think it's safe to say I put the kibosh on finishing anytime soon. I don't know how my husband is doing it but little by little he works on a section of the house and actually gets things done. He's paying for it with his own slush fund which is good because if the money were in one account there's no doubt I'd spend it. And the progress is so slow it's almost hardly noticeable. We've all learned to ignore the completely stripped area of the house we hope to one day call the living room.

My biggest problem is that I'm not very good with idle time. I've worked full time all my life in sales and food service. I was always busy and had somewhere to be.   I’ve been a drop-and-go parent at school, and I'm not much for small talk unless I'm making a sale. Which isn't to say that I don't genuinely care about other people and believe me there's nothing worse then selling something to a person that they don't need or want.  But I fear that I may come across as arrogant when the truth is I'm actually kind of shy. Could it be that I’m becoming more introverted in the second part of my life?

The reality is that my website and blog consume the first 6 hours of my day so the only real change is that I pick up my kids at 3pm instead of 5pm. Oh, and that I don't have a paycheck. The bewitching hour, from 3-4 when the boys are home from school and the house is in utter chaos, is motivation for me to go back to a full time job. That and not being able to afford cocktail hour anymore. But at 4pm a calm sets in and I thank my lucky stars I don’t have to deal with office politics or race home from being on the road all day.

So I embrace this opportunity to spend more time with my kids, enjoy my natural and free surroundings, cook incredibly creative meals on a zero budget, and discover the inner adult that is struggling to come out and show my more creative, patient, and caring side.

The Language of Love

In my eternal quest for how to be a better parent I came across this book last week, The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman.   What an eye-opener!  I was researching ways to get my sons to buy into a chart we’re working on.  We’ve had some issues with random hitting that you may recall from my last blog and a behavior modification chart was suggested.  First I read about the effectiveness of charting your goals, then I learned the best way to go about it.  And then I discovered that not everyone wants the same thing.  So obvious, but apparently I’m not the only one who didn’t realize this since the book is a New York Times #1 bestseller.

Here’s what it says about the “love language,” or primary way of expressing and interpreting love, for children:

Gifts - Kids whose primary love language is gifts like to receive presents. These presents don’t have to be expensive or big. But these are kids who will be excited to receive a trip to a “goody bucket,” a coloring book that you bring back from the supermarket, a book, a bookmark, even a note from you in their lunchbox.

Words of affirmation - If this is your child’s primary love language, he feels most loved and appreciated when he hears you say nice things about him. Things like, “I’m proud of you,” “I love you,” “I’m glad to see you,” or “You did a great job.” To these children, the positive (and negative) things you say to them are extremely meaningful.

Quality time - Kids whose primary love language is quality time really value spending time with you, even if you’re doing seemingly mundane or boring activities. These kids will like being in the kitchen with you while you’re cooking, they’ll like it when you come to their soccer games, watch a TV show together, make cookies together, or read a book with them.

Acts of service - Kids with this primary love language really appreciate the little things you do for them. They feel cared for and loved when you help them complete tasks, like bringing them a glass of water, helping them with their homework, brushing their hair, or tying their shoe when they ask for help with it.

Physical touch - If physical touch is your child’s primary love language, she’ll feel loved and appreciated when you make physical contact with her. This contact could be in the form of a high five, a pat on the back or head, a hug, a snuggle, a kiss, or playful wrestling.

So the rewards for my two boys upon successful completion of their chart are not the same.  The older boy likes gifts and the younger one likes quality time with mom.  (At least for now, so I should relish every moment.)  I still have to accept that just because they’re brothers doesn’t mean they are alike.  Which they prove every day.  

Naturally I had to take the test for me and my husband too.  The results were interesting!  I’ve had 3 job interviews where I had to take a personality test.  All 3 times I never got to hear the results.  Until now I never would have thought that I preferred verbal praise.  I turn red when complemented and will do anything to change the subject.  My husband’s results were also different than I had expected.  Good to know!  The author also notes that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own.  No surprise there - at first you’re attracted to the differences and then later you want to kill them for it.  I’m sure I have a book somewhere in the house about that.

The Preschool Apology

I had a bad Monday last week.  My preschooler had turned around in the school parking lot and whomped the boy behind us.  The boy was very upset and his father who was walking with him was horrified.  I didn’t see it, wasn’t sure it was even my kid who did it, and really had just wanted to get him in the car without him hitting me.  Pick-up time is right after naptime and my son’s behavior is very unpredictable.  He’s also much larger for his age and when he thrashes, he hurts.

What happened next shocked me more.  The boy’s father insisted that my son apologize.  I had expected a unanimous “We don’t hit under any circumstances” from both of us but instead I was fighting off a clinging child, struggling to get him in the car, processing what to say next to diffuse the situation, and getting defensive with the father.   It was most unsettling and I couldn’t think straight.  There was no way my son was going to apologize.  He was already so upset that all he could do was cling to my leg.  At least he knew he did something wrong.  Surely the boy’s father could accept that.  Haven’t we all as parents been in this situation?

Forcing an apology from a child doesn’t work.  A three year old doesn’t have the cognitive development to understand its meaning and can’t be expected to remember to say it again the next time.  At best it adds more stress to the situation and most important doesn’t do anything to change the behavior. 

To grasp the magnitude of a sincere apology is in some cases a life’s work.  There are several levels to consider:  the act itself that caused the problem, understanding how it made the other person feel, saying the words to the apology out loud, and asking for forgiveness.  I think that’s pretty hard!

I suppose had it been earlier in the day, at a preschooler’s prime hours between 9am and 12noon, my son would have been more receptive to considering the other child’s feelings.  But that’s about as far in the process of giving a sincere apology that I can see for him. In his egocentric world, he is still mastering his emotions, nevermind those of others. 

After giving the parking lot situation more thought, it’s not my son that should be in the spotlight.  I’m the one who should be apologizing for not having a better grasp of my son’s behavior.  We’re still very deep into uncovering why my son gets so aggressive.  I feel terrible that he hit someone and I’m to blame for not realizing the depth of his problem.  As his parent I am working to make sure it doesn’t happen again and I hope that the boy’s father can empathize with our challenge.  Crisis is opportunity and I can thank him for bringing this issue to light.  And that’s sincere.

Playing Doctor

I wasn’t ready for it.  Just like the first tooth and not having a $1 on hand (really, what happened to just a 25¢?), I was completely unprepared for my first encounter with finding my son, who just turned 7, naked while playing quietly with a friend.  The lack of noise should have tipped me.  I opened the door and didn’t know what to say!  Speechless, I smiled and started waving my hands around.  “Well, what’s going on here?”  as if I needed to ask.  “We’re playing doctor,” they replied.  Silly mommy!

Playing doctor is a natural curiosity.  Or, from another perspective, as normal as eating candy, but without clothes on.  You just need to teach kids what’s appropriate and what’s not.  Here are some tips from Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips by Elizabeth Pantley:

Stay calm: If you actually walk into a room and catch children playing with their clothes off, it’s best if you can remain calm. Make a statement such as, "It is not appropriate to play with your clothes off." Help them get dressed and find an activity to get involved in. Later, at a quiet time, have a brief conversation with your child about what is and is not appropriate. Teach that they must always keep their private areas (bathing suit areas) covered. If this happens with the same two children more than once, don’t let them play together unsupervised. (Don’t make a major announcement, just monitor their time together.)

Teaching time: Take the situation as a cue that your child is ready for more sex education. Spend a brief amount of time answering any of your child’s questions. Let your child’s interest and questions lead the discussion and don’t overwhelm your child with too much information. Give straightforward answers in accurate, but simple terms. Address the issue of appropriate versus inappropriate touching so your child will learn how to be respectful of his own and others privacy.

Read about it: Purchase a book about sexuality and development. Read it yourself, first, because there’s lots of stuff you may have forgotten, and some things you may not even know! Share it with your child at an appropriate time. Let your child know that you’re available to answer any questions. Two outstanding books for this purpose are: My Body, My Self for Girls and My Body, My Self for Boys both by Lynda Madaras. (Newmarket Press, NY, 1993)

Are they mimicking something they’ve seen? Take a serious look at what television shows or movies your child has been watching. Children model the behavior they see, even if they don’t understand it, so be careful what images they are being exposed to.

Take note: Excessive interest in sexual topics, or repeated occurrences of sexual play, may be a warning sign of other problems. There may also be cause for concern if one of the children is several years older than the other. Discuss your observations with a pediatrician, school counselor or family therapist.

In retrospect, I should have known they were up to something.  The boys had forewarned me not to go in the room.  Again silly mommy, I assumed they were making a potion of sorts, which has been my son’s latest interest.  One source, Discipline for Life by William and Martha Sears, advises that you should make a rule in the house to always have bedroom doors open when friends are over - at all ages.  I think that’s a good idea.

I am pleased to report my initial reaction was spot on.  I kept an open mind, pointed out that “it’s not appropriate to play together without our clothes on,” and had them get up and get dressed and come downstairs for a snack.  Afterward, I called the boy’s parents to give them a heads-up, and then spoke briefly with my son at bedtime about what questions he had.  And I found out that the giant foam hand from the Sea Dogs game we went to earlier that week doubled as a doctor’s instrument!  (Sometimes it’s best not to ask too many questions.)

And for my son’s birthday, which was a few weeks later, I got him a starter book on the human body from Usborne Books called See Inside Your Body.

Road Trip!

The excitement, the anticipation, the planning. Is there any better rite of passage in a child’s life than to be stuck in a car for 8 hours to visit elderly relatives?  And to add to the element of pure fun, we don’t have a caravan or even a portable DVD player.  Gasp!  How did we survive?  By ignoring all the suggested practices and winging it.

On Friday night my husband, two sons, and I traveled for 4 hours in what is to me a luxurious company car but even with the wider seats the two boys still smacked each other the whole trip.  As there was no hope of them falling asleep en route, I broke down and let them watch a DVD on my laptop.  Along with the comfort of the car, we also stayed 2 nights in a condo.  This was a big change for us as normally we would have camped in a tent.  Separate rooms, cable TV, a fireplace - what a great way to start a vacation!  And the boys were well behaved.  The purpose of the trip was to check out the Adventure Park at Jiminy Peak which was a blast.  Kid tested, mother approved, and it will be coming to Cranmore soon!

Then we got back in the car to go to my parents house Sunday morning.  Again with the constant hitting.  And along scenic Route 2 in Western Massachusetts.  I tried telling them the history of the Mohawk Trail but sadly they didn’t care.  At least when we arrived at my parent’s they were good for the whole hour we were there.  Yes, just an hour.  After my last visit when I was told at 8am to quiet the boys down or leave, I’m not taking any chances.  I can respect that while my parents are happy I have kids, they don’t necessarily want them in their house.  Which is made quite clear by the knives and tools left out in the kitchen at every visit, and a rifle I found under the bed in the guest room. 

For the next leg of the trip my husband and I parted and I met up with his daughter who drove from North Conway in my Jetta 4-door sedan.  It’s a wonder neither of the boys has a black eye from punching each other.  This was a 7 hour ride to my aunt’s house in Washington, DC.  I pride myself on being economical, efficient, and green, but I guess I’m a little unrealistic.  My car is way too small for a family of four going anywhere.  I started to have dreams of a caravan with a third row seat.  But we may not need it for a while since I don’t think we’ll be invited back anywhere.

Now, I should have known better about visiting my aunt with the boys given the situation with my parents.  “Silly Mommy,” as my 3-year-old likes to say.  My aunt is my father’s older sister.  But she looks younger and sounded thrilled that we were coming.  Of course that was my take after a late night call and not a more telling early morning wake up call.  It’s hard to visit with someone when they sleep until 1pm and your 3 and 6 year old are running around at 7am.  And with her giant dog who almost bit me on my last visit.  Fortunately there were no incidents with the dog but my older son set the house alarm off once.  The other major faux pas was going out to dinner at 8pm, the boys’ bedtime.  Now come on, what is so bad about a 3 year old standing up on the bench in a restaurant and taking his shirt off?  At least he wasn’t on top of the table!  My aunt, like my father would have been if he had seen it, was horrified.  “You need to discipline that boy!”  I would have had to take him out of the restaurant but didn’t want to risk the scene or getting kicked and scratched by him in the struggle.  So I went the “distract by tickling” route to buy some time and eventually we made it out. 

The poor kid didn’t have a good night’s sleep all week, which made him a total wreck sightseeing.  I had to carry him all over the National Mall in DC and drag him through the Smithsonian’s museums.  But it was worth it!  I’ve been to DC almost every year for the past 30 and I just can’t get enough.  This year I started with the National Gallery of Art and both boys seemed to like it.  And then of course we went to the Museum of Natural History and The Air and Space Museum.  And the gift shops. 

We also stopped for a night at my college roommate’s home in New Jersey on the way back and had a grand time.  She insisted they didn’t even mind my 3 year old’s meltdown at 11pm when I wanted to turn the light off.  On an unrelated note, I learned from their son that it’s illegal to pump your own gas in New Jersey.  All this time I thought it was the state’s way of welcoming travelers.

It was just after we crossed the Vermont border on the way home that the boys were actually playing together peacefully.  My step-daughter and I had our first trip zen moment.  And I decided I could live with the Jetta a little longer.