My son, the Hulk, who just turned 4, fell down the stairs the other morning and broke his wrist. This is his third major injury. Fortunately it wasn’t as bad as when he broke his arm after catapulting out of his crib two years before. One second he was happily bouncing in the crib and the next screaming on the floor. The last accident was when he and his brother, Calvin, were jumping on my bed and The Hulk “fell off and bumped his head,” as the Monkey story goes, and had to get staple stitches. Is it worse to watch your son roll down the stairs or to stand by as a staple gun shoots him in the head? Calvin, for the record, has not had any major injuries.
A Facebook post from NPR that same morning titled “Siblings Share Genes, But Rarely Personalities” got me thinking about how different my two boys are. The first clue is that Calvin took over 30 hours to deliver, lots of drugs, and a final C-section warning to leave my womb whereas The Hulk popped right out. Calvin was as colicky as can be for the first 6 months while The Hulk nursed his way through everything. It’s not that I expected them to be the same when I had my second son, but I am constantly amazed at their differences. (For the record, one thing they did have in common at birth is they both weighed over nine pounds.)
Perhaps because Calvin is the first born I paid more attention to his every move. Not to the point where I actually wrote them down in a baby book (good intentions), but just that I was so much more aware of each rite of passage. And of course I memorized the “What to Expect” books. I also had more time to spend with him early on so without realizing it he may have become a study in child rearing. We were blessed as well with excellent child care providers who supplied me with a ton of information and support. Because it all seemed so easy I decided I wanted another a second child.
Ha! It started out simply enough. I had everything I needed for my new guy with all the clothes, crib, baby gear, etc. I was also at this point an expert on nutrition, BPA, the dangers of lead, child care options, stages of growth, etc. But ever since that first broken arm I knew this boy was going to be more of a challenge. My “gentle giant” has wanted nothing but to be just like his big brother since the day he figured out he had one. He started walking early, could make his own peanut butter and jelly sandwich before he could say it, and has always been so big he looks older.
Calvin started speaking with full sentences. At the doctor’s checkup where they measure these things, he didn’t say a word until the end of the appointment and then totally shocked his pediatrician. I had no idea that his speech was so good because I didn’t have any frame of reference. So lucky me, one less thing to worry about. I secretly suspected that all the reading early on was showing some benefits. The Hulk on the other hand never really cared for books and couldn’t sit still at bedtime no matter what I tried, including buying new books that were more interactive to get him interested. His speech is fine now, but not anywhere near where Calvin’s was at his age and not quite where one would expect him to be given his size and fine and gross motor skills.
With Calvin, it took a few good people to get him up to par by second grade. With the Hulk, it seems to be taking a village. When Calvin was of age to enter Kindergarten he went to the SAU Development Screening and passed without much thought. I probably should have held him back since he’s one of the youngest in the class, but it hadn’t occurred to me at the time and he’s doing fine now. With the Hulk, I’ve met with the SAU Pre-school screening team early on just to be sure we’re okay. He’s so much different in his development I don’t want to take any chances. While it’s a little disconcerting to sit down with nine professionals at once to go over the needs of a 3 year old, it’s also reassuring to know that help is available when needed. What an amazing group of people to have access to. And if it weren’t for the caring staff at the preschools he’s been to, I wouldn’t have know this resource is available at any time.
Calvin has always been, overall, a well-behaved child. A little silly, big imagination, but peace loving for the most part. The Hulk, on the other hand, has a bit of a reputation. He hits. Because of his size his punch carries more weight than the average 3 year old. It’s not that he’s a bully - I think he too is a peace loving child, but he comes across as a little more aggressive and it’s quite troubling! With Calvin’s mishaps I’ve been able to nip the problem in the bud and move on. With the Hulk, it’s just not working that way. At times I feel I’ve been “blessed” with more Zen moments as I can handle.
The NPR article asks the question “Why is it that being raised in the same family pushes children in opposite directions in terms of personality?” and came up with three theories: Divergence, Environment, and Exaggeration. “Divergence is basically to minimize competition so it's not direct. And that leads to specialization in different niches." In my case, Calvin is the thinker, the Hulk is the doer. I see Calvin as an engineer and the Hulk more of an athlete. The second theory, environment, deals with the timing of the child. In Calvin and and the Hulk’s case, they were born in different towns and my husband and I had different jobs. Exaggeration, the third theory, “holds that families are essentially comparison machines that greatly exaggerate even minor differences between siblings.” An example of this is as I’ve stated before is that both boys are “peace loving,” but the Hulk has earned his nickname.
This Thanksgiving, in case there was any question, I am grateful that I have two wonderful boys who have enriched my life more than I will ever know. And as I watch them eat turkey at the table for the two minutes they’ll sit down, I will remind myself to accept them for who they are and hope they keep surprising me.
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