Can you hear me now? Arguing in front of the Children

Over the weekend I became furious with my husband.  I asked to talk to him on the porch so my son wouldn’t hear us and he said no.  Stunned, I let loose.  I became an insanely angry person screaming at the top of my lungs dropping f-bombs with no going back.  I got him outside.  But then realized the whole neighborhood, as well as my 7yo son, could hear us so I brought it back inside.  My son scampered away and hid on the stairs.  We went at it, or I should say I went at it for a few minutes.  When it was clear I wasn’t getting anywhere I finally stopped and opted to go for a walk.  I had to come back in to get my glasses when I overheard my son say, “Wow is mom mad.”  To which my husband mumbled something with the words “yeah” and “whatever.”

First thought on my walk:  Yeeks, what have I done to my son.  This isn’t good. 

Followed by:  Where did that extreme anger come from?

All the while wondering:  What’s it going to take to get my point across with my husband?

I’ll start with the extreme anger.  A friend had to explain this to me since it’s completely out of character for me to scream.  My husband did something that really hurt me.  My friend reasoned that with extreme pain comes yelling, as in if someone steps on your toe you say ow, but when they stomp on your foot you scream to get them to stop.  So I was essentially trying to get my husband to see just how much pain he had caused. 

But of course it was falling on deaf ears.  No one is going to listen to a crazed person.  I had tried other ways before the screaming incident to explain to my husband how upset I was but he didn’t seem to get it.  So now I just have to accept that he is incapable of understanding my emotional duress.  That’s a pretty depressing thought but it should help to cut down on the yelling.  This problem has no quick fix.

As for my son, what sort of example are we setting for him?  Clearly not a good one.  My husband and I don’t fight well.  Most of the time we’ll go to a neutral place to hash it out.  Rarely have we yelled at each other in front of the children.  My husband will clam up and go into the “man cave” when he knows something is up, which makes it difficult to even have a “healthy” argument for the kids to see.  And now that I’m thinking of it one time in front of the boys he called me an unacceptable word.  So we are now on strike three for being positive role models.

What is a healthy fight anyway?  I certainly didn’t reach adulthood with this type of knowledge.  All my father ever did was yell and he scared the bejesus out of me.  I never saw my parents make up or apologize.  My mother has dementia now and I’m pretty sure that’s part of the reason why.  She carried an extreme amount of stress for far too many years.  So my take is that a healthy, fair fight is when two people communicate, without calling each other names, about what is on their mind.  Not the obvious, “You didn’t take out the garbage again and I’m really mad,” but more of a respectful “I know you’re busy and domestic matters aren’t a priority for you, but I need you to stay on top of the garbage like we agreed because it’s starting to smell and I saw ants yesterday.  I have so much to do in the morning already.  Is there another way to work it back into your schedule?”

Yesterday I stumbled upon this gem for getting conflict out of marriages called the Policy of Joint Agreement:  “Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.”  Simple as that!  And if you can’t agree, maybe you shouldn’t be together.

Imagine if my sons saw me and my husband taking preemptive measures to avoid conflict, asking each other things like “Does that work for you?” and communicating our basic needs on a regular basis.  That’s mind boggling but I’m intrigued.  I really don’t like to fight. I don’t like the added stress on the boys not to mention me, the time lost ruing over the matter, and having to concede because I can’t get my point across (which is usually the case.)  And the actual headaches.

But we’re all only human and things change all the time.  Conflict is inevitable.  The best you can do when an argument is brewing is to keep it civil.  In an article from the MSNBC website in 2009 about a study published in the Journal of Child Psychiatry and Psychology: 

In the new study, researchers turned to interviews with teachers as well as parents to determine the impact conflict was having on the kids. In families where parents’ interactions were more constructive, the kids became more psychologically healthy over time. They were also more likely to show “pro-social” behaviors.

“They tended to be friendly to other kids, to be empathetic when others were upset, and to show concerns for moral issues and for the fairness and wellness of others,” Davies says.

There’s my goal.  When I checked on my son after my walk, I told him I was sorry he had to see and hear all that and asked if he was okay.  He replied, “Yeah, I’m fine.  Just don’t argue like that again like you did last year on Christmas Eve.”  A sad reminder (the other time I raised my voice for all the neighbors to hear) but at least I’ve got a little time to work on getting things right with my husband before we’ve done permanent damage on our boys.