The “no money” thing is getting really old and I’ve lost a little bit of sleep worrying about it but that doesn’t help much. The upside of a tight budget is that we don’t have as much junk around the house as we used to and when the kids get presents, they’re really excited. A night out to a restaurant or event is a real treat. And I don’t waste money getting them to try a new activity only to have them drop out midway.
Also, because I live in the North Country, it’s okay to wear the same thing everyday. I haven’t bought myself anything new since my birthday a year ago! That is simply amazing. At first I was a little depressed, but now it’s become sort of a contest to see how long I can hold out.
But I didn’t quit my job just because I wanted to start my own business. It was more of a priority thing. I also saw my youngest boy slipping away and knew I had to find a way to spend more time with him. Not so much with him physically, but on him so that I was more focused to his needs. For whatever reason, he’s nothing like his older brother. I took a lot for granted with the first one! It’s taken me almost the whole year to get to understand “Baby Hulk” and retrain myself in parenting. The crux of it is that he doesn’t transition easily and I have the patience of, well, a 4 year old, which would be him. But I’ve come a long way!
I knew things were going to have to change when one day in spring I couldn’t get him in the car to get the kids to school on time. I had rushed him through the morning and he simply was not ready to leave. I was exhausted and lost my cool. I started screaming and went out to the car and backed out of the driveway. I guess I saw that as a “Mom’s Time Out.” When I came to my senses to check on him he was hiding behind a curtain bawling his eyes out. I felt like crap. How could I have done that to him? He was traumatized. Nothing better for the the development of a 3 year old brain than to add significant stress to his already tender noggin. He calmed down, asked for whatever it was that he wanted that I just hadn’t paid attention to before, and got in the car. It took me months to figure out the combination of events that made it all happen. It wasn’t an easy fix!
Now that he’s almost 5 life is much easier and he’s really lots of fun. Much like his big brother when I decided I had to have another. Everyday is “What Happens When I Do This?” and I know if I was still working full time there would be very little humor in his “experiments.” And I’m no where near as strict with him as I had been. I’m sure there are some who may think I’m a pushover. But I know with this guy just what’s going to work and where my responsibility lies in the problem. He’s big, he’s loud, and he’ll do anything to keep up with his big brother. Try managing that! I’m glad I took that psychology course as a prerequisite 3 years ago, not realizing it would have such practical implications.
As much as I love him, or perhaps it’s because I love him, I can now focus on earning enough money to keep him in school full time instead of just 3 days. For him and me the structure is much better. Now that we’ve gotten to know each other better, we can have our separate lives. He loves school and I love having him there!
Will our slow house remodel ever get done? Can I keep trying to cut back on groceries even while the boys are eating more? Will the cost of organic food ever come down? Will I make enough to retire and not be a burden on my kids? Who knows. I can keep trying for the American dream but the only way I know for sure that I’m going to achieve it is to accept that I’ve been living it all along.
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