Domestic Dogma

How is it that when my husband and I were first married the household chores were 50/50 and now they’re more like 90/10 in his favor.  Who am I kidding, I know exactly what happened.  In the beginning, he was a different person.  He folded his own laundry, sometimes we’d even fold together.  We each had dinner duty 3 nights a week and one night we’d go out or order take out.  I vacuumed, he mowed.  I took the trash out, he brought it to the curb.  I was inside, he was outside.  We had separate bank accounts and a joint one for the household bills which was pretty much on auto pay.  Domestic bliss.  Of course back then, we were both earning more than we do now and we didn’t have any children to take care of.  We also had the same work hours, same pay, same goals.  A lot has changed in 10 years.  So much for my feminist beliefs.

Now I’m a work at home mom (WAHM) and my husband puts in about 50 hours a week.  Which he does by choice and truly likes his work.  He leaves before the rest of us are up so I have morning duty with the kids most days of the week.  I’ve been at home for almost a year now but it’s just recently that he’s accepted I actually do work.  Must have something to do with money finally coming in.  I do all the cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping.  I also go to the transfer station, shop for the household items, and take care of the bills.  In his defense, he’s the handiest person I’ve ever known and if something breaks he’s on it and he’s very good.  And he did finally clean out the basement this spring.  He makes an excellent apple pie and he’s in charge of the BBQ.  He’s tried to go grocery shopping but he doesn’t stick to the list.  And he’s banned from laundry.

In truth, I’m fine with the arrangement.  Household chores are a great distraction when you’re working at home.  I’ve always been a multitasker so it’s nothing to do the laundry, get the kids out the door, and write a blog.   If I didn’t have to make dinner I’d keep on writing.  And I like listening to music when I clean up after.  Grocery shopping gets old, but my limited budget forces me to be creative.  And I don’t have enough money to shop for anything else so that’s one less task to bother with.  I’m not a huge fan of making the trip to the transfer station but I only go about once a month and we compost so there’s not a lot of smelly trash hanging around.  In an odd way, I feel that I’ve achieved a level of success to be able to stay at home and in fact be the domestic engineer I’d only heard about.  On the other hand, I’ve turned into the stereotype I fought so hard against in my early adult years.

What concerns me now is the lesson I’m teaching my boys.  By seeing me in all my domestic joy will they assume the same roles my husband and I did?  When they were born, I worked hard not to let them fall into the gender trap of boys playing with trucks and guns and being so physical.  I soon learned that it truly is genetic and not socialized.  Why don’t they just teach that in school and put an end to all the questioning?  Now, I know that boys and men can be domesticated.  But people also learn by example.  What if they one day secretly harbor the idea that housework is “women’s work.”  I have this horrible image of sitting at the dinner table with my family and my father saying, “Nancy, I need a fork.”  To which my mom would get up and get him one.  God forbid my husband talk to me like that.  At least we don’t have that degree of sexism going on.

I suppose as long as my husband and I are okay with our household work division then that’s all that matters.  As for the boys, I’ve got them on a chore chart for good citizenship and am training them in all facets of domestic life.  I’ve started daydreaming about the day when they’ll vacuum and do their own laundry.  And make dinner.  What a bonus!  Even as I write this my oldest is mowing the lawn with the push mower.  It’s quite the zigzag design.